Praised for Using Chopsticks: Smile or Sigh?

The person giving the compliment is nearly always being kind.

By Neil Solomon · 2 min read

Picture a couple named Arthur and Lois at a restaurant in a Japanese city, a few months after their move. The server sees them reach for chopsticks and says, warmly, "You are very good at that."

Arthur smiles and says thank you. Lois looks at her plate for a moment. They have used chopsticks for years.

I think many people who move to Japan describe this small scene, and I want to take it seriously, because it is easy to wave away. The person giving the compliment is nearly always being kind. The person receiving it can feel two things at once. Pleasure that someone is friendly. A little sting that they are being seen first as a foreigner and only second as a person eating dinner.

Two ways to hear it

One way is to treat it as manners. The server is being polite in the way they know. A compliment is a small gift, and the easy answer is to accept it.

The other way is to hear it as a reminder. Day after day, the same remark can tell you that you are not yet part of the picture. Some people who write about life there say it never stops, even after many years. Others say it fades once you are a familiar face.

I do not know which of these will be true for you. What stands out to me is that the same sentence can be a gift on Monday and a weight on Friday, depending on how your week has gone.

A little humor helps

Arthur found a way to turn it around. The next time, he said, "Thank you, I practiced for forty years." The server laughed, and the two of them talked for a minute about food.

"Why did you say that?" Lois asked afterward.

"Because I was tired of saying thank you."

"Did it work?"

"He remembered us the next time we came."

I like this answer because it does not argue and does not hide. It stays kind and gives the other person a way to see you a bit more fully. Not everyone wants to do that every day, and that is fair too. Some evenings you just want your noodles.