What Is Funny, and What Is Rude, Is Not the Same Everywhere

Manners are learned slowly, by small embarrassments that are mostly forgiven.

By Neil Solomon · 2 min read

Picture a couple named Harold and Dee. On their second week in a new town, Harold makes a joke about someone's mother. Nobody laughs. The room goes quiet, and he does not know why.

I think this is one of the quietest costs of moving. We expect to learn a language. We do not expect to learn what is funny.

Small stories from three places

Brazil. A man who has lived there a long time says humor has edges. Some things are fine to tease. Mothers are off limits. I find that useful because it is so specific. It is not "be careful." It is a real line that someone walked into once.

Another person, living in Florianópolis, describes hearing "yes" and finding out later it meant "no." The word was kind. The meaning was gentle. I think many of us are used to a yes that means yes, and we feel tricked when it does not. Nobody was tricking anyone. It was a softer way to decline.

A third describes being mistaken for Japanese at the airport. The guess was wrong, and she let it run a little, and everyone ended up laughing. I like that story because it shows humor working in the other direction: a mistake that became a small bridge.

Paraguay. One couple had a little friction when one of them turned up at a courthouse in shorts. The story is told with amusement, and I read it as a reminder that what counts as dressed for the day is a local agreement, and one partner may notice it before the other.

Bolivia. A younger man in the group describes not being allowed to carry the plate at a meal. He wanted to help. The host would not let him. It felt awkward to him and, I imagine, a little warm to the host.

What I notice

In every one of these, nobody was angry. Someone was surprised, and then someone laughed, or let it pass. I think that is the pattern. Manners are learned slowly, by small embarrassments that are mostly forgiven.

Harold told Dee about it that night.

"I said something about his mother."

"And?"

"And he looked at me like I had slapped the table."

"So we learn it," Dee said. "Next week we bring a cake."