The Cool First Month and the Warm Years After

A warm eleventh year is what most of us are really asking for.

By Neil Solomon · 3 min read

Picture a couple named Ruth and Daniel. They have just arrived in a new country. They smile at the neighbors. The neighbors nod and walk on. After three weeks Ruth says what both of them are thinking: "Did we choose a place that does not want us?"

I hear a version of this again and again in what people describe. The first weeks feel cool. Then something small happens, and the feeling turns. I think it is one of the most useful patterns to know about before you go, because it changes how you read the early days.

How it looks in four places

Brazil. One woman describes it as word spreading. At first she was a stranger. Then people seemed to learn who she was, and the invitations for coffee began. Even city hall checked on her. What stands out to me is that nobody announced a welcome. It arrived through a chain of people who had heard about her.

Colombia. A woman who worked at an embassy in Bogotá says local friends came easily, within about eighteen months. She mentions the Sunday street closures, when people come out to walk and ride. I read that as a clue. Where a city gives people a regular reason to be outside together, it is easier to meet them.

Chile. One account, written in Spanish, says people were cautious at first. Then came the words "come eat at my house." I take that as a sign that a careful start can be a form of respect. People may want to know who you are before they open the door.

Panama. One retiree describes eleven years on a beach, with neighbors who welcomed him. That is a long stretch, and it tells me the welcome lasted. A warm start is nice. A warm eleventh year is what most of us are really asking for.

What I make of it

In my reading, the pattern is not about the people being cold. It is about the order of things. Trust first, then the table. Many of us come from places where a friendly hello means a friendship has started. In these stories a friendly hello is just a hello. The friendship comes later.

That is hard when you are the new person with time on your hands. You could take the cool weeks as a verdict. Or you could take them as a waiting room.

Back to Ruth and Daniel. In week five their neighbor, Marta, knocks and hands them a dish with a cloth over it.

"My sister told me you had arrived," Marta says. "I did not want to bother you."

"You were not bothering us," Ruth says. "We were afraid we were bothering you."

They both laugh. It turns out they had been waiting for each other.