"Why Did You Come Here?" And What You Say Back

You are happy, and a local person is telling you that your happiness does not make sense to them.

By Neil Solomon · 2 min read

Picture a couple named Frank and Elise. They have just bought bread from the same baker for the third week in a row. The baker, who is kind and curious, looks at them and says, "But why would you come here? Everyone wants to leave."

It is an odd moment. You are happy, and a local person is telling you that your happiness does not make sense to them. I think many of us are unready for how much that can sting, even when it is said warmly.

Two places, two shades of the same question

Croatia. One person describes being asked, more than once, "Why on earth did you move here?" She says it left her feeling a little alone. The question seemed to mean that the people around her could not see what she saw. I understand that. When your joy is not shared by the people next door, it can feel like you are holding it by yourself.

Russia. An older American woman living in Moscow describes the same question in a different tone. People asked why she would leave America. By her telling, she had an answer and she had settled it for herself. The question did not bother her. She was resolved.

What interests me is that it is the same question, and the two people hear it differently. I do not think the difference is in the places. I think it is in how settled each person was before she was asked.

What I take from this

A local person who asks "why" is often not asking you to defend yourself. Sometimes they are curious. Sometimes they are looking at their own town and wondering what they have missed. And sometimes they are telling you, kindly, that life here is not as easy as the postcards suggest.

Frank thought about it on the walk home.

"I never gave him a real answer," he said. "I said 'the weather.'"

"The weather is not why," Elise said. "Why do we say it like that?"

"Because the real answer is long."

I think a short true answer helps. It does not need to be grand. It could be as simple as "I wanted a slower morning." The woman in Moscow seems to have had hers ready, and it let her enjoy the question.