A Sister in Chicago and a Brother in Mexico
They did not argue about who loved their mother more.
Picture a sister named Marta, 66, who lives in Chicago, and a brother named Don, 63, who lives in Mexico. Their mother is 88 and lives in an apartment close to Marta. She needs more help each month.
Marta did the driving at first, and then the cooking, and then the pharmacy. She did it because she was close. Don sent a text each morning and felt farther away each week.
On a video call Marta said, "I am here every week."
"I know," Don said. "I want to carry my part. Tell me what I can take from here."
They did not argue about who loved their mother more. They made a table, which Marta later said she wished they had made a year sooner. The cost figures are examples, taken from 2025 national medians for the United States.
| What | Who | Why |
|---|---|---|
| Visits, rides to the doctor, groceries | Marta | She lives close |
| Bills, insurance forms, pharmacy orders, records | Don | All of it can be done online, from any time zone |
| A video call with Mom each morning | Don | Mom likes his voice, and it gives Marta a break |
| Two visits a year of two weeks each | Don | Marta gets time away |
| Gas, parking, small purchases (Marta's out-of-pocket) | Don reimburses her each month | Family caregivers report about US$7,200 a year out of pocket on average |
| A helper at home for 20 hours a week at US$35 an hour (example: about US$3,000 a month) | Mom's income first, then half each | Shared evenly for the gap |
| If assisted living is needed (example: US$6,200 a month) | Mom's income and savings first, then split by what each can afford | Talk about it before it is needed |
Marta laughed at the arithmetic. Twenty hours a week at US$35 comes to US$700 a week. Over a month, that is about US$3,000.
They also looked up one figure about families. In the countries of the Organisation for Economic Co-operation and Development, 61% of informal carers are women. In many families the sister ends up with more of the work. Marta read that line twice. Don asked if he could add one more task to his column.
Their mother's papers were also on the list. She had named Marta as her agent for money and health decisions. Don asked to be the second name, in case Marta was ever unwell. A lawyer would explain the right way to do that.
You could…
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Write down every task and every cost, and put a name beside each.
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Ask the sibling far away to take the tasks that travel well, such as bills, calls and research.
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Agree on how costs will be split before a large one arrives, and write it down.
What do you and your siblings share, and what did it take to start? Share it here. Someone reading may be about to make their first list.
Figures are estimates for planning, based on public data. Cost figures are examples. Sources: CareScout Cost of Care Survey 2025; AARP and National Alliance for Caregiving, Caregiving in the U.S. 2025; OECD, Health at a Glance 2025.
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