Caring for a Parent Without Losing Yourself
Over time her calendar became her father's calendar, with the doctor, the pharmacy, the groceries and the evening phone calls.
Picture a woman named Tess, 58. Her father is 87 and lives with memory loss. She lives a short drive from him, and her brother lives far away. Over time her calendar became her father's calendar, with the doctor, the pharmacy, the groceries and the evening phone calls. She stopped going to the pool, which she loved.
Her brother called on a Sunday. "You sound tired."
"I am fine," Tess said.
"Tell me one thing you did for yourself this week."
Tess was quiet for a long time. Then she laughed, because the answer was nothing.
She went looking for numbers, to see whether this was only her.
| What was reported | Share | Source |
|---|---|---|
| Family caregivers of people with dementia who report high or very high emotional stress | 59% | Alzheimer's Association, 2026 |
| The same caregivers who report high or very high physical stress | 38% | Alzheimer's Association, 2026 |
| Family caregivers of any adult who report fair or poor health | 1 in 5 | AARP and National Alliance for Caregiving, 2025 |
| Caregivers who say respite services would be helpful | Almost 40% | AARP and National Alliance for Caregiving, 2025 |
| Average out-of-pocket spending by a family caregiver | About US$7,200 a year | AARP and National Alliance for Caregiving, 2025 |
Respite means planned, temporary relief. It can be an adult day program, a helper at home for a few hours, or a short stay in a facility. The Alzheimer's Association reports that use of respite remains low. In the United States an adult day program had a median price of about US$95 a day in 2025 (CareScout), so it is a cost to plan for as well.
Tess made a list of everything she did in a week. It ran to a page and a half. She sent it to her brother with one line: "Which of these could you take?"
He took the pharmacy orders, the bills and the insurance calls, all of which can be done from far away. He also booked two visits a year so that Tess could be away. Tess found an adult day program for two mornings a week. On the first of those mornings, she went to the pool.
You could…
-
Write down what you do in a week, and show the list to one sibling or friend.
-
Ask them to pick tasks they can do from where they are, such as bills, calls and research.
-
Look up one respite option near your parent, and try it once.
What is one thing you took back for yourself? Share it here. Someone reading may be about to ask for help.
Figures are estimates for planning, based on public data. Sources: Alzheimer's Association, 2026 Alzheimer's Disease Facts and Figures; AARP and National Alliance for Caregiving, Caregiving in the U.S. 2025; CareScout Cost of Care Survey 2025.
Tell us in the comments