Going Home for a Visit and Feeling Between Two Places
The visits home are where many people find out what the move cost them, and what it gave.
Picture a couple named Helen and Marcus. They moved to Australia some years ago. This year they flew back to see Helen's mother. The visit was lovely. The kettle was where it always was. And on the flight back, Helen felt something she could not name.
People who write about this in forums describe it in a few ways. One is the feeling of being neither here nor there. At home, the street looks smaller and friends talk about things that happened without you. Back in the new country, you miss the kitchen you just left. After a few years of this, some people say they feel up in the air, not able to settle in either place.
I think this is one of the least talked about parts of a move. The glossy stories end when the boxes are unpacked. The visits home are where many people find out what the move cost them, and what it gave.
When parents get older
The second thing I read about is worry. Moving far away feels easier when parents are well. Then a parent has a fall, or a hard winter, or starts to forget things, and the distance becomes a weight. Some writers say the move got hard only at that point, many years in.
I would not call this a reason to stay or to go. It is a reason to talk early. A move abroad is really a move for two people, plus a web of people who stay behind, and the web does not stay still.
Helen and Marcus had this kind of talk on the plane.
"I keep counting how far away I am," Helen said.
"We could look at what visits would be like if she needed us more," Marcus said.
"I don't want to plan for it."
"I know. Maybe just once, so it isn't a shock."
How it differs for each of you
In many couples one partner feels the pull of home more than the other. One may be happy after every visit. The other may come back low for a week. It helps to say so out loud. Neither feeling is a verdict on the move.
It also seems fair to say that the length of time matters. A first visit after one year feels like a holiday. A visit after four years feels like looking in at a house you used to live in. People change what they mean by home along the way, and some find that a comfortable answer is "both".
You could…
- Plan visits home at a rhythm you both agree on, before you need to.
- Ask a parent what they would want if things changed.
- Notice how you feel in the first week after you return, and say it to your partner.
- Keep one small ritual that links the two places, such as a weekly call.
When you go back to the place you came from, what do you notice first?
Tell us in the comments