When Your Partner Is Your Only Link to a New Country

In many couples one partner has a way in: a job, a club, relatives, a friend from before.

By Neil Solomon · 2 min read

Picture a couple named Colin and Priya. They moved to Australia because of Colin's work, or because Colin knew people there, or because he had the language of the place in his ears from earlier years. Priya came along. Colin is often away. Priya sits at home in a city where she knows almost no one, and she is lost.

I read a long thread from someone in a spot like Priya's. A few replies came in, and they were kind. What struck me was the shape of it. One person holds the door to the new place. The other stands behind them.

I think this is common, and it does not get named enough. In many couples one partner has a way in: a job, a club, relatives, a friend from before. The other has the partner and not much else. When the partner is busy or travelling, that second person has nobody.

Why it feels so heavy

There are two reasons I can see. First, the one who came along gave up the daily web they had. The coffee with a neighbour, the shop where they were known. Those are small things and they add up to a life.

Second, the link-person often does not notice. Colin comes home tired, talks about his day, and assumes Priya has had a day too. She had a day. It was long and nobody spoke to her in it.

Here is how it might sound.

"How was your week?" Colin asked.

"I talked to the woman at the bakery," Priya said. "Twice."

"That's something."

"It is. It's also the whole week."

There is no villain here. Colin is not unkind. He just cannot see what he has not had to look for.

What could change it

Replies in that kind of thread tend to say the same few things, and they sound right to me. Look for a reason to leave the house on a set day. A class, a volunteer group, a walking club. Do the same thing weekly, because friendships grow from repetition more than from effort. Be patient: it may take longer than expected.

For the link partner, I think the useful gift is to share the door. Introduce your partner to your contacts as a person, not as your spouse. Ask what their week was, and listen to the answer.