When One of You Is the Doorway to the Place
When one partner is the reason for the place, the other can feel they never chose it.
Picture a couple named Carol and Rafael. Rafael grew up in a South American city. Carol did not. They are thinking of going to live near his family. For Rafael it is a return. For Carol it is a leap.
I read two stories about this, and they go in very different directions.
Colombia. One person describes being folded into a spouse's big family. I read belonging in it. The family took them in, and the days filled up with meals, birthdays and people. It also helped that they had spent earlier years in a nearby country and already knew something of the region. A spouse who is the link can open a door that would take years to open alone.
Brazil. The other story is of a couple who quarrel after a hard time getting through immigration. The wife wants to go to Portugal instead. I read tension, and I do not think anyone is a villain in it. When one partner is the reason for the place, the other can feel they never chose it. Add a stressful process, and an old doubt can come to the surface.
Side by side:
| Colombia | Brazil | |
|---|---|---|
| The link | A spouse with a large family | A spouse tied to the place |
| What it feels like | Welcomed, busy, held | Strained, unsure |
| What helped or hurt | Earlier time in the region | A hard process, and a wish for elsewhere |
What stands out to me is that the link spouse and the follower live two different moves. One is going toward family and the familiar. The other is going toward strangers and a language they may not know. Both are real. Both need attention.
Carol and Rafael talk it over.
"They will love you," Rafael says.
"I know they will," Carol says. "That is not what worries me."
"What is?"
"Whether I will have anything that is mine there."
That is a fair thing to say out loud. A large family can be a gift and also a crowd. The follower may want a friend, an activity or a corner of the city that belongs only to them.
I would not guess which story fits you. I would only suggest that the follower has a say in the shape of the move, including what happens if it does not work out. A shared plan for the hard days makes the good ones easier.
You could…
- Ask the follower what would make the place feel like theirs, and plan for that first.
- Agree together on a way out if the first year goes badly.
- Visit the family as a pair, and also spend time in the city alone with a friend.
- Keep a small tie to somewhere you both love, as a second option.
If one of you was the doorway to a place, how did the other find their own way in?
Tell us in the comments