Friendships Take Years, Not Months
We remember friendships as things that happened, and forget that they took years.
Picture a couple named Arthur and Penny. After eight months in a new city, they sat on their balcony and counted their friends. They counted the landlord, the woman at the market and one couple from home who were also passing through. "It is not a lot," said Penny. "For eight months, I thought it would be more."
I have come to think that the clock most of us carry is too fast. We remember friendships as things that happened, and forget that they took years. In a new country, with another language and other customs, the years may stretch further. Here is what people describe.
Japan. One person was five years in and still without Japanese friends, and was puzzled by it. Another wrote about the difference between fitting in and belonging, and said the thought felt freeing. I take that to mean he stopped pushing for one and found some peace in the other.
South Korea. A writer marks ten years and says Korea is home. The tone is grateful. Ten years is long, yet no one in the piece sounds sad about the wait.
China. One person looked back on twenty years and noted that many friends had left. That is a different kind of slow: a circle that keeps turning over as others move on. Another, divorced and nearing retirement, wondered tentatively about friends in the years ahead. To me, that is the voice closest to many of our readers.
India. A woman wrote with affection about the years it took to build a circle of women friends. The affection is in every line. It took time, and it was worth it.
Thailand. After two years, a woman left Pattaya and gave away her paintings. The feeling is tender. Some of what a person builds in two years goes into the hands of others as gifts.
| Place | Length of time | What the account says |
|---|---|---|
| Japan | Five years | No local friends yet, puzzled |
| Japan | A few years | Fitting in is not the same as belonging |
| South Korea | Ten years | Home, with gratitude |
| China | Twenty years | Friends come and go |
| China | Before retirement | Wondering who will be there |
| India | Years | A circle of women, slowly built |
| Thailand | Two years | Leaving, and giving things away |
Back to Arthur and Penny.
"What if we just keep showing up?" said Arthur. "Same café, same day."
"For how long?"
"Until the waiter knows our order. Then we ask his name."
Penny laughed. It is a modest plan. I think it is a good one.
The accounts above do not agree on how long it takes, and I would not trust anyone who gave a number. What they share is a pattern: a first stretch with few friends, a slow middle, and then, for some, a moment of looking up and finding people there.
You could…
- Choose one place and one day and show up every week for a year.
- Learn a few words of the local language and use them daily.
- Say yes to the first invitation, even if it is awkward.
- Keep one friendship from home going by phone, so that the wait feels lighter.
Which of your friendships took the longest to grow, and what made it last?
Tell us in the comments