Grumbling About the Country You Live In

People feel they can criticize their own family, and it hurts when a guest does it.

By Neil Solomon · 3 min read

Picture a couple named Linda and George. They have lived in their new town for three years. One day a neighbor spends ten minutes complaining about the bus service, the government and the price of tomatoes. George nods along. Later he says to Linda, "Could I have said any of that?"

"I don't think so."

"Why not?"

"Because it's theirs."

That small moment holds a real question. Many people who move abroad find that there is an unwritten rule about complaints. I want to look at four views from Latin America, and say what I think about them.

Four places, four views

Argentina. One writer said locals may complain about their country, but the newcomer may not. The reason is protectiveness. People feel they can criticize their own family, and it hurts when a guest does it. I think there is truth in this. A complaint from inside sounds like love. The same words from outside can sound like judgment.

Brazil. A Canadian with about thirteen years there said she learned to let the small things go. When she does grumble, it comes out of love. I find that a useful test. If the grumbling is about something you care about, and you would say it to a friend, it tends to land differently.

Chile. An embassy employee wrote in 2008 about how modern Chile felt, so modern that you forget you are abroad. Her frustration was a surprise to her. She had expected strangeness and found sameness, and she missed the strangeness. Not every complaint is about problems. Some are about expectations that did not come true.

Costa Rica. One retiree living on Social Security said she was more content than before, and I read her as someone with little to grumble about. She was happy, and said so. It is worth noting that contentment is also a way of speaking about a place.

What I take from this

I do not believe there is one right rule. But I think a few ideas come up often.

Time changes what you are allowed to say. Three years in, your neighbors may hear you differently than in month three.

The room matters. Grumbling with a close friend is not the same as grumbling at a dinner party. Words that are fine in one setting land hard in another.

The reason matters. A complaint that begins with "I wish this were easier" can sound like care. One that begins with "In my country, this works better" can sound like a comparison nobody asked for.

And some of your frustration may be about you. When the place is not what you expected, the grumble may be telling you something about your plan, not about the country.