After the Loss, Where Do You Belong?

Knowing what your partner would want, and where, takes a weight off the one who is left.

By Neil Solomon · 2 min read

Picture a couple named Margaret and David who built a life together in a country far from where they began. One winter, David dies. Margaret is now a widow in a place where she knows few people and few of them know her.

This is the hardest version of the question this site asks. It is not about money or weather. It is about who is near when everything changes.

What people seem to describe

Two stories from the Middle East show two different answers.

In Turkey, one person writes about being the only foreigner for miles after being widowed. The feeling is solitary. The days are long, the language is only partly known, and the usual comforts are far away. There is no blame in the story. It is simply a lonely place to grieve.

In Israel, another story is about an older widow who had survived a very hard past. She chose to learn Hebrew quickly. The feeling there is determination. She did not wait for grief to pass. She made herself part of daily life, because that was how she kept going.

I do not think one answer is right. Some people need to stay where the memories are. Some need to move toward family. Some need work, a daily task, a class, a group that expects them on Tuesday.

What stands out to me is that the people who coped well seemed to have something to do and someone to see. The place mattered less than the routine.

Margaret talks to a friend on the phone.

"I keep thinking I ought to go home," she says.

"Is it home without him?"

"I do not know yet."

That seems to me an honest place to be. You do not have to decide this month.

I would add one more thought. Couples often avoid this talk because it feels like bad luck. Yet I think it is a kindness to each other. Knowing what your partner would want, and where, takes a weight off the one who is left. It is a hard hour at the kitchen table that can make a hard year a little lighter.