Friends From Home, Friends From Here: The Pull of a Circle of Newcomers in New Zealand

I think a group of fellow newcomers is a good first door.

By Neil Solomon · 3 min read

Picture a couple named Eleanor and Roy. They move to Nelson, in New Zealand. In the first week, they find a club for fellow Britons. The room is full of familiar jokes and familiar tea. They feel relief right away.

A few weeks later, Roy tries a local workshop club for older men. People are polite. Nobody invites him back to anything. He comes home thinking, "Cliquey."

The account I read describes something like this: a mixed feeling about the locals, and a comfortable circle of people from the same home country. I do not know every detail, and I want to be fair about it.

The easy door

I think a group of fellow newcomers is a good first door. Everyone has been lonely, so no one is surprised by loneliness. They have tips on where to find a good doctor and which shop sells the right tea. They understand why you miss your old town.

There is nothing wrong with that. It may be what gets a person through the first months.

The closed door, or the slow door

Local clubs can feel harder. Many of them were formed years ago, by people who already know one another. A newcomer arrives in the middle of a long conversation.

Roy might say to Eleanor:

"They were friendly enough, but they already have their friends," Roy says.

"Maybe they need a few visits to see you are staying," Eleanor says.

I think that is likely. It does not mean the locals are cold. It may mean that friendships there grow slowly, as they do in many places. A club that looks closed on day one may look quite different by month six.

The bubble, and its price

What worries me about a bubble is not the people in it. It is how quiet the rest of the country can become. If all your friends came from the same place, you may go years without a real conversation with someone who grew up there.

That may be fine for some. For others, it leaves a feeling of living next to a country, not in it.

I also want to say that a bubble is not a choice made once. People drift into it, because it is pleasant. Then they look up and ten years have passed.

A mix

A mix seems healthiest to me. Keep the circle that warms you. Add one local activity and go back to it, even when it feels awkward. Over time, one person there may become a friend.

It helps to go with something to give, like a skill or a willingness to carry chairs. People remember those who help.