The Lonely Stretch in a Small Town, and What Helped

A lonely stretch tends to have an end, but it may be longer than hoped.

By Neil Solomon · 2 min read

Picture a couple named Walter and Louise. They chose a small town in the South Island of New Zealand for its space. The views were what they had hoped for. A few months in, Louise said something out loud for the first time: "I am lonely and a bit bored."

I read an account from someone in a small town in South Canterbury who said nearly the same words. Lonely and bored. It is not a dramatic phrase. I think that is why it is worth listening to. People often wait to say it, because the place is lovely and it seems ungrateful to complain.

Where it comes from

A small town gives you quiet. It also gives you fewer chances to bump into people. In a bigger city, you can have a coffee near ten different strangers and one of them might become a friend. In a small place, the circles are already formed, and joining them takes time.

Distance adds to it. When the next town is far away, even a plan to meet someone takes a whole day. Some people love that. Others find it wears them down in the second winter.

I would say this is not a flaw in the place. It is a match question. Some people do well with space and a slow pace, and some need people close by to feel well.

Walter and Louise talked about it over dinner.

"I keep waiting to feel settled," Louise said.

"Maybe settled takes longer than we thought," Walter said.

"Or maybe we need something to go to."

"Then let's find something."

What seemed to help

The people who wrote about getting through this tended to describe small, regular things. A weekly gathering, a volunteer role, a church or club or hall night. Not big gestures. Showing up on the same day for long enough that faces became familiar.

Others said they were honest with their partner early, before the flat feeling turned into a mood. Some also kept a link to home through calls, which made the quiet feel less final.

One more point I find useful. A lonely stretch tends to have an end, but it may be longer than hoped. Giving it a season, with a plan for what to try, feels better than waiting and watching.