The Lonely Stretch in Asia, and How People Got Through It

Loneliness is not a sign that you chose wrong.

By Neil Solomon · 3 min read

Picture a couple named Marta and Leo. Six months in, Leo has a standing coffee with a man he met at the market. Marta has no one like that. She says she is fine. On Wednesday evening she looks at her phone for an hour and puts it down.

I want to write about this carefully. Loneliness is not a sign that you chose wrong. It seems to be a stretch that many people cross, and the accounts I read show it comes in different forms.

How it differs by place

These are my readings of accounts, not facts about the places.

Japan. One person, three years in, wrote that they were welcome and still lonely. I find that sentence precise. Being treated kindly does not always lead to closeness. The ambivalence in the writing felt true to me.

India. One story I read describes a woman from Germany who lived alone in a hotel in Kochi for years. It is a sad story, and I will not add to it. What stays with me is how a comfortable setting can sit beside a very solitary life.

Thailand. Several accounts, and they differ. A retiree who found Switzerland lonely settled among villagers who call her grandmother, and she felt belonging. Other returnees to a village found heat, insects and relatives who expected help, and they were disoriented. Elsewhere, lonely older men were described as feeling judged at home and seeking company in beach towns. And on one island, a writer found the low season lonely when the visitors left and the shops closed. So in Thailand the same country holds belonging, disorientation and isolation, depending on the village, the season and the people around you.

Sri Lanka. A woman from France was planning to go alone at sixty. I do not know how she fared. I include her because the plan itself is interesting. She knew company would be something she had to build.

A short exchange

Marta tells Leo, at last.

"I have been lonely since spring."

"I did not know," says Leo.

"I did not say."

"Then say it earlier next time. I would have come with you to the market."

What I make of it

Three things stood out to me.

First, the seasons matter. Places with a busy and a slow period can feel very different in each. If you visit in the lively months only, you may not know the quiet ones.

Second, belonging often came through a role, not through friendship alone. The woman called grandmother had a place in the village. The man at the market is a regular. A role gives people a reason to greet you.

Third, couples can be lonely in different ways. One person finds friends and the other does not. Saying so early seems to help.

I do not think loneliness means you should go home, and I do not think it means you should stay. I think it means you could ask what kind of company you need and where it lives.