Staying or Going Home: How People Know
The large reasons were there all along, and a small one let them be said.
Picture a couple named Gloria and Ned. They have lived abroad for six years. Nothing is wrong. The mornings are good. But one rainy week Gloria says out loud, "I think I'm finished here," and Ned does not answer for a long time.
Neither of them knew she would say it. That is how it often goes.
How the answer arrives
I read a number of stories from people who were deciding whether to stay or go. What stands out to me is that the reasons were rarely the dramatic ones. They were small and they piled up.
| Place | What people describe |
|---|---|
| Taiwan | Temple noise and incense, day after day, until the thing that once felt charming felt tiring. A tired person said it was time. |
| China | One writer felt "kind of finished" and could not say exactly why. Another left upbeat, and said leaving needs no justification. A third had a farewell hot pot with friends after two years of being stared at, and was moved to find how much they would miss. |
| Hong Kong | Some people stayed nearly thirty years and left without saying goodbye. Others watched a family move on to London. A group of teachers said that in their line of work, those who turn sixty leave. It was divided, resigned and sad. |
| South Korea | A video asked why leaving is hard. The answer seemed to be that life there is easy to build and awkward to take apart. |
| Mongolia | One person leaves for part of the year, November to April, and speaks of the place with fondness. That is a third answer, neither stay nor go. |
| Nepal | A retiree left the capital for the sake of his sinuses. It was a health reason, stated plainly, and he took it with some humor. |
| Thailand | A woman who found a Swiss life lonely said that in an Isaan village, neighbors call her grandmother. She stayed because she belonged. |
I do not read these as a pattern that tells you what to do. I read them as a menu of ways the question gets answered.
What I notice
First, people often leave because something small tips. Noise, health, a rule about age, a friend who moved. The large reasons were there all along, and a small one let them be said.
Second, the leaving does not always feel like failure. The farewell hot pot is the story I remember. The writer was surprised to be sad.
Third, there are middle answers. Part-year stays and long trips home exist because the question "stay or go" is sometimes two questions, "where in the winter" and "where in the summer."
Back in their rented house, Gloria and Ned talked it through.
"Is it the rain?" Ned asked.
"The rain is part of it," Gloria said. "I keep thinking about the autumn at home."
"Then maybe we don't leave. Maybe we just go for the autumn."
"That's a different question," she said, and smiled for the first time that week.
You could…
- Write down what you would miss about the place, then what you would miss about home, and read both lists a month apart.
- Take a long trip home before you decide, to see which one feels like the visit.
- Ask someone who left what they wish they had known.
- Try a part-year pattern for one season before you commit to either.
When did you know, or when do you think you will?
Tell us in the comments