Telling Our Children How We Would Like to Be Cared For
The children know where the will is. They do not know what we would want if one of us needed care.
Picture a couple named Lloyd, 73, and Sophie, 71. They have two grown children. They have a will, and they have signed the papers a lawyer suggested. One evening Sophie said, "The children know where the will is. They do not know what we would want if one of us needed care."
Lloyd put down his book. "What would we want?"
They had never said it aloud. It took them most of a week to write it down.
They called it a letter of wishes. It is a letter in their own words, separate from the legal papers. A lawyer or notary in your country could say how a letter like this fits with the signed papers. Theirs had four parts.
| Part of the letter | An example line from Lloyd and Sophie |
|---|---|
| Where we would like to be cared for | "At home for as long as it works for the one who needs care, and for the one giving it." |
| What matters most to us | "Familiar faces, our own food, and someone to read to us." |
| Who we have asked to act for us | "We asked our daughter to handle money and our son to speak with the doctors. Both said yes." |
| What we have set aside | "A reserve for care, kept apart from what we plan to spend or give." |
The last part took the most thought. The United States government's Administration for Community Living says almost 70% of people turning 65 will need some long-term care. The average is about 3 years, with women averaging 3.7 and men 2.2. About 20% need it for more than 5 years, and about a third never do. Lloyd did the arithmetic at the kitchen table, using 2025 national medians for the United States.
| Three years of care at 2025 US medians | Our arithmetic |
|---|---|
| Assisted living | About US$223,000 |
| Non-medical caregiver at home, 44 hours a week | About US$240,000 |
| Nursing home, private room | About US$389,000 |
Prices abroad differ by country, and a local quote gives the figure. A reserve is a range to think about, and an accountant who works with Americans abroad could help set one. Other pieces on this site look at what children expect, and at the surplus that may remain once a care reserve is set aside.
They read the letter to their children on a video call. Their daughter said, "I was afraid to ask." Their son said, "Can you send it to me in writing?"
You could…
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Write a page of wishes, one part each evening, and read it to each other first.
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Ask each child if they are willing to be named, before you name them in the papers.
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Set a care reserve as a range, and ask an accountant or lawyer who works with Americans abroad to look at it.
What is the first line of your letter? Share it here. Someone reading may start theirs tonight.
Figures are estimates for planning, based on public data. Sources: Administration for Community Living, "How much care will you need?"; CareScout Cost of Care Survey 2025. Three-year totals are our own arithmetic from national medians.
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