The Lonely Stretch: When Your Friends Are Far Away

Her friends were far away, and the loneliness of that surprised her.

By Neil Solomon · 2 min read

Picture a couple named Ruth and Dennis. They settled in South Africa, close to the sea, and for a while every morning felt like a gift. Then one rainy evening Ruth realized she had not laughed out loud with anyone in days. The friends she used to see every Thursday were a very long flight away.

What people describe

One woman wrote about this feeling in plain words. Her friends were far away, and the loneliness of that surprised her. She had expected to miss family. She had not expected the ache of missing the ordinary friends, the ones you call without a reason.

I think that is the part few of us plan for. We plan for the visa, the house and the money. We rarely plan for a Thursday evening with nobody to call.

Why it can hit later

The first months are busy. There are forms to fill, rooms to arrange, streets to learn. Busy feels like belonging. Then the list runs out, and the quiet arrives.

That is when the distance shows. Old friends are still kind, but their lives go on without you. The messages get shorter. The jokes need more explaining. Nobody did anything wrong. Time zones and daily life simply pull people apart.

Ruth might say it to Dennis like this.

"I love it here. I just miss being somebody's Thursday."

Dennis might answer, "Then let's find a Thursday."

How people get through it

From what I read, the people who come out of this stretch tend to do small, steady things. They keep one or two old friendships alive on a fixed schedule, so it does not depend on mood. They also say yes to local invitations, even the ones that seem a little dull. Over time those invitations turn into people.

I would not pretend this is quick. Making a new friend in your sixties can take longer than it did at thirty. But I think it helps to treat the lonely stretch as a normal phase of a move, a season that tends to pass, and not as proof that you chose wrongly.