When One Child Needs More Than the Other
Is it equal if one of them needs it and the other does not?
Picture a couple named Emmett, 74, and Ruth, 72. They have two grown children. Their daughter has a steady salary and a home of her own. Their son has had a hard ten years, with a restaurant that closed and a long illness after it.
Emmett's view was simple. "Equal. Down the middle. Anything else is picking a favorite."
Ruth was not sure. "Is it equal if one of them needs it and the other does not?"
Neither of them was wrong. Emmett had watched his own parents divide an estate unevenly, and he had watched his sister and himself stop speaking for years. He was protecting his children from that. Ruth had watched her son get through the hard years, and she wanted him to be secure.
They wrote down the choices they could see.
| Way to divide | What it protects | What it costs |
|---|---|---|
| Equal shares | No child feels ranked | The same amount does different work for each child |
| By need | The child who struggles | A child may feel graded, and need is hard to measure |
| Equal shares, with earlier help counted and a letter of reasons | Both, in part | It takes a longer talk and careful writing |
A survey by Kiplinger and Morning Consult found that sons were more likely than daughters to expect a meaningful inheritance, about 30% against 18%. These are the survey's own numbers, taken from American adults, and they are not a rule about any one family. They do suggest that children may be guessing at each other's expectations too.
So Emmett and Ruth asked.
Their daughter answered first. "Give him more if he needs it. I would rather he not be afraid."
Their son answered separately. "I would rather it be equal. I do not want to be the one you worry about."
Ruth laughed and wiped her eyes. "We guessed wrong about both of them."
They have not settled everything. For now they lean toward equal shares, with a letter that explains why and with a promise to read it together again next year. A lawyer who works with Americans abroad could confirm how a will where they live treats shares between children, and they plan to ask.
You could…
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Ask each child, separately, what they think would be fair.
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Write down any large help you have already given, so it is not a surprise later.
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Read your plan aloud to a lawyer who works with Americans abroad, and ask what the local rules allow.
How did your family decide between fair and equal? Share it here. Someone reading may be holding the same pen.
Figures are estimates for planning, based on public data. Source: Kiplinger and Morning Consult survey of 5,156 American adults.
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