When One of Us Is Left Abroad
It may help to know that the questions are a kindness to the one who stays.
Picture a woman named Constance, 70. Her husband Ned has always handled the money. She raised the children and knows every neighbor. Ned pays every bill, and he likes it that way.
Constance and Ned have not had that day yet. This is a story we made up, to ask what it could look like. It is told as though Ned has gone first, in the country where they chose to retire.
In the story, the week after the funeral, a letter arrives in a language Constance reads slowly. It is from a bank she did not know they used. She sits at the kitchen table. She does not know the password to the computer, the name of the lawyer, or whether the apartment is in one name or two.
A neighbor brings soup. A daughter flies in and stays for a while. Then the daughter goes home, and the apartment is quiet.
The story does not need to end that way. In a second version, Ned and Constance sit down while both are well. Ned has read about the shower test, and he asks her, "Would you like to see how it all works?"
| Question to ask together | Who could answer it |
|---|---|
| Where are the accounts, and whose names are on them? | The banks, with both of us present |
| Who is the lawyer we would call here, and does that person speak English? | A local lawyer, met in advance |
| Could one of us stay in our home here, or would the papers need changing? | A local lawyer, as a question |
| What happens to the bills that Ned pays automatically? | Ned, with Constance watching |
| What would Constance like to do if she were left: stay, move, or go home? | Constance, in her own words |
| Who are the friends who would call every week? | Both of us, by name |
These are questions for a local lawyer and for each other. How a country handles a spouse's accounts or property is different in each, and a lawyer there could say.
Ned begins with the easiest item. He takes Constance to the bank and introduces her. She asks the teller some questions of her own. On the way home she says, "I did not know I could ask."
Over a few weeks they go through the rest. Constance is the one who calls the lawyer.
You could…
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Sit together and let the one who does less of the money watch the one who does more, for one hour.
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Ask a local lawyer what the spouse who stays would need, and bring the questions in writing.
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Write down, each of you, what you would like the other to do if left, in your own words.
What would you want your partner to know before you go? Share it here. Someone reading may have the same conversation tonight.
Figures are estimates for planning, based on public data.
Tell us in the comments