When One of You Is the Link to Canada

The link person cannot be everyone's way in forever.

By Neil Solomon · 2 min read

Picture a couple named Edwin and Pamela. Edwin grew up in Canada. Pamela did not. They visit twice a year, and Pamela loves it. Now they are talking about staying. Edwin knows every cousin, every road, every joke. Pamela knows Edwin.

What I picked up from the story

I read about a British woman who made two trips to Canada. Her feeling was content. She liked it. That is a lovely start. But a couple of trips are not a life, and I think that is worth saying kindly. The first time you visit, the person you love opens every door. You are carried along.

When it is time to stay, the carrying has to stop. The link person cannot be everyone's way in forever. Sooner or later the other partner needs doors of their own.

How long it might take

The question I would ask is how long the link needs to carry. In the first year, probably a lot. In the third year, less. By the fifth, ideally, the other partner has a few friends, a routine and a reason to get up that has nothing to do with the link.

That does not always happen. Some people never find that footing. Then the move becomes a quiet strain, and a marriage can feel it.

Edwin might say, "Everyone here loves you."

Pamela might answer, "They love me because of you. I want someone who knows me for me."

That is a fair thing to say, and I think it deserves a real answer.

Making room for both

What stands out to me is how often the link partner feels happy and does not notice the other one waiting. It is easy to miss. You are among your people. The other person is among yours too, but they are your people, not theirs.

I think a plan could name this ahead of time. Not as a worry, only as a question the two of you ask. What will you do, Pamela, on a Tuesday? Who will you see? What would make this place yours?

If the answer is thin, that is useful to know before the boxes are packed. It does not mean the move is wrong. It means the work is not finished.