When One of You Is the Link to the Place

The partner's family became a door, not a wall.

By Neil Solomon · 3 min read

Picture a couple named Anne and Paul. They move to a country because of Paul. His work, his family, or his papers are the reason they are allowed to be there. Anne arrives as the partner who came along.

At first this feels like an adventure. Months later, Anne notices something. Paul has a place in the world here. She has Paul.

"Everyone knows who you are," Anne says one evening.

"Does it feel strange?"

"It feels like I'm standing behind you."

I want to be careful with this topic. It is a feeling many people describe, not a verdict on anyone. I read four stories from Africa and found the same thread in four different colors.

Four places, four versions

Mauritius. One woman followed her husband and was not allowed to work. Her days had room in them, but not a role. I think this is a hard fit for people who have worked for most of their lives. The question is what fills the space.

Morocco. A woman wrote about a low point that lasted sixteen months. She called it grief. I would not call it weakness. She had left a life, and part of her was still mourning it. What stands out to me is that she wrote about it openly, which is often the first step out.

South Africa. A woman described how, at the hardware store, the staff spoke to her husband and not to her. She was the one who knew what she needed. It stung. I would not blame the place for a habit that many places have. But I can see how it makes a person feel smaller.

Ghana. A different kind of story. A sister-in-law calls her over. She is the link that makes a place feel like home, someone who says "come, sit". This is the tender version. The partner's family became a door, not a wall.

What the four have in common

In each, one person holds the link to the place. It may be a work permit, a family, a language, a home. The other person has to build their own links, and that takes time and effort.

Sometimes the answer comes from the partner's side: a sister-in-law, a neighbor, a coworker who becomes a friend. Sometimes it comes from within: a class, a volunteer role, a weekly walk with someone who is also new.

I think it helps to say it plainly before the move. Who is the link? What does the other person want to do? When one of you is happy and the other is quiet, the move can look like it is working for months before anyone says otherwise.

Questions that may help

How will each of you meet people on your own? Will either of you have a reason to leave the house? How will you share the tasks that need a local voice? If one of you cannot work, what will fill the days?