The Friends Who Keep Leaving
In places that draw people from other countries, a good share of the friends you make are also passing through.
Picture a couple named Anna and Tom in their second year in a new town. They have made three friends. One returns home in the spring. Another moves to a new country for work. The third is "thinking about it." Anna says out loud what Tom has felt: "I keep starting over."
I have read many stories like theirs. In places that draw people from other countries, a good share of the friends you make are also passing through. That is worth knowing before you choose a place, because it changes what friendship feels like there.
How it differs by place
France. One account describes friends leaving and the loneliness staying behind. The feeling was flat rather than sharp, a tiredness more than a grief. It sounded like a person who had done the work of making friends and was not sure how many more times she could.
Iceland. Writers there describe people from all over the world gathering in a small community, many of them for short stays. The friendships can be warm and quick. The goodbyes come quickly too.
United Kingdom. The people I read about who left the United Kingdom for another country often described a different path. One was a reluctant mover, torn at first, who learned to love her new home. What helped, as I read it, was staying long enough for the early friends to be joined by later ones.
| Place | How it feels | What seems to help |
|---|---|---|
| France | Friends go, loneliness lingers | Rooting a few ties with local neighbors |
| Iceland | Warm, fast, short | Accepting that some friendships have a season |
| Moving from the UK | Torn, then settled | Time, and a second wave of friends |
What I make of it
I think turnover is neither good nor bad. It is a feature of some places. If you choose a town full of short stays, you may meet people from many countries, and many will leave. If you choose a quiet town with more long-time residents, you may meet fewer people and keep them longer.
Neither is a mistake. The useful thing is to know which you want.
It may also help to ask how long the people around you tend to stay. Some towns have a core of long-time residents and a ring of visitors. Others are mostly visitors. Walking the same streets for a week or two, and noticing who greets whom, can tell you which kind it is.
Back to Anna and Tom. After the third goodbye, Tom tries something.
"What if we ask the neighbor over?"
"The one who has lived here forty years?"
"Yes. She is not going anywhere."
You could…
- Ask how long a place's usual residents tend to stay before you pick it.
- Keep one friendship with a long-time local alongside the travelers.
- Plan a visit to a friend who has moved on.
- Treat a short friendship as a good one that was short.
How do you feel about friends who are only here for a season?
Tell us in the comments