Who You Become When You Live Somewhere Else: Europe
When we move, we lose the people who knew us.
Picture a couple named Linda and George. At home, everyone knew what they did, where they grew up and whose friends they were. In their new town, nobody knows any of it. Linda finds it freeing for about two weeks. Then she finds it strange. "Who am I here?" she asks.
That question comes up in the stories I read from three countries. The answers are not the same.
Four answers
Luxembourg. One woman lost her sense of self, then reclaimed it. I read that as a loop many people make. The first months can wear away what you thought was fixed. Getting it back is possible, but it takes effort and time.
Germany. Two very different voices. One person has lived there thirty-five years and says she is still neither one thing nor the other. She does not belong fully to the old home or the new. The other writes of becoming an adopted Berliner, and sounds settled. Same country, two feelings. I think the difference may lie less in the place than in how each person answered the question of who they are.
Iceland. One man describes being more than "Thor's husband." That title is funny, and I suspect it also stings. Being known only as someone's partner is a real risk when you move for another person. He found a community that saw him as himself.
What I make of it
When we move, we lose the people who knew us. They were the mirror. Without them, we have to decide who we are, and sometimes the new town decides for us. It might call us the foreigner, the retiree or the husband of someone.
Some people fight that label. Some wear it lightly. The story from Germany of thirty-five years shows that you could carry the question for a very long time. The Berlin story shows that you could also put it down.
Back to Linda and George.
"At home, I was the one who organised everything," Linda says. "Here I am the woman who cannot read the bin schedule."
"You are still you," George says.
"I know. I just need to find the place where that shows."
You could…
- Write down three things that make you who you are, and find a way to do each in the new place.
- Join something where you are known by what you do, not by your partner or your passport.
- Keep one tie to your old life, like a call or a club, that reminds you of your own history.
- Ask your partner what they hope to be called in the new town, and share your answer too.
Who are you in a new place that you were not at home?
Tell us in the comments