Why Friendships Take Years, Not Months
A friend made in year four may be as close as one made in year fourteen at home.
Picture a couple named Helen and Marcus. They moved six months ago. They have been invited to a few dinners and have smiled at many neighbours. Yet when Helen thinks about who she could call on a bad day, the list is short.
This is where many people feel the surprise. They expected new friends in a few weeks. The stories from Latin America suggest it can take years.
Mexico: fewer people like you
One writer in a city outside the capital was disappointed to find few other retirees from abroad. They had hoped to meet people in the same boat. Instead they felt a gap. I think this shows a small trap. If your plan for friendship depends on a ready-made group, you may be disappointed. Looking for local friends takes longer, but it can also go deeper.
Peru: open, but distant
A person who had moved to Lima from another country wrote about people who are open and polite but a little distant. The greetings were warm. The invitations were less frequent. I took this to mean that kindness and closeness are different things, and that closeness comes later.
Uruguay: their friends are already there
One older account said that Uruguayans already have their friends. Their lives are full of long-standing ties, from school or family, so there is little room or need for new ones. The writer felt lonely. I do not read this as unkindness. If you have known your friends for forty years, a new face is a pleasant thing, but not a necessity.
Chile: four years and no Chilean friend
The strongest story came from Chile. A writer described being among "the island people", meaning people who live next to a community without joining it. After four years, they had no Chilean friend. They did not sound bitter. They sounded patient. It was simply the pace of things.
| What people describe | The pace | |
|---|---|---|
| Mexico | Few retirees like you around | Slow to find a group |
| Peru | Warm greetings, some distance | Closeness comes later |
| Uruguay | Friends already settled | Hard to enter |
| Chile | Four years, no local friend | Very slow |
Helen and Marcus talked about it.
"Do you think we're doing it wrong?" Helen asked.
"No," Marcus said. "I think we're on year one of a longer story."
I find that comforting. A friend made in year four may be as close as one made in year fourteen at home.
You could…
- Join one group that meets every week, such as a class, a choir or a walking club, and stay with it for a year.
- Keep in touch with friends back home so the wait is easier.
- Say yes to small invitations, even when you are tired.
- Count progress in years, and notice each small step.
How long did it take you to find your first real friend in a new place?
Tell us in the comments