Hugs, Kisses and Voice Notes: How Closely People Greet

Many of us carry a quiet rule about how close is close enough.

By Neil Solomon · 2 min read

Picture a couple named Arthur and Lois. At their first party in the new country, a woman they have never met walks up and kisses Arthur on the cheek. Lois sees his face and nearly laughs out loud.

Many of us carry a quiet rule about how close is close enough. Moving shows us how personal that rule is.

Two places

Brazil. One person describes a place of hugs, kisses, generous hosting and loud laughter. I read that as warm and a bit much, all at once. The advice that comes with it is to be a good guest. Accept the second helping. Laugh with them.

Another, a woman, describes voice notes as a kind of love language. People send each other long spoken messages instead of typing. She finds it delightful. I find it interesting, because a voice note is another form of closeness: you hear someone breathe, pause and laugh.

Chile. A woman describes the awkwardness of kissing strangers at a party. She did not mind it, exactly. She just did not know where to put her face. That small, funny confusion is probably the most honest sentence in this whole subject.

What I notice

People who grew up with a handshake often tell me it takes time before a hug feels natural, and some say it never fully does. That seems fine to me. I think what matters is that the other person sees you are glad to be there. A smile and a warm voice carry a long way, even when your cheek stays where it was.

The greeting is a kind of welcome. It tells you that you are inside the room. Pulling away can feel to the other person like closing a door, even when we mean nothing by it.

Lois asked Arthur about it later.

"Did it bother you?"

"I did not know which cheek," Arthur said. "I turned the wrong way."

"She laughed, though."

"She did. I think that helped."

I like how a mistake there turned into a conversation. It is a good sign that people forgive the learner.